The Rants of Jeff!

Jeff’s Thoughts On:

Male Enhancement

What is the deal with all of the “natural male enhancement” commercials? “Gain more confidence with Erectal.” Confidence? Listen folks, if I walked around with a constant woody I would not be confident at all…I would be constantly worried that someone is going to notice. It wouldn’t make me confident, it would make me paranoid. I’d never be able to go to a public pool again.

Horoscopes

I never got into the whole zodiac thing. I felt it was really stupid. Who really believes this stuff anyway? “Gemini, you will breathe today” “Whoa…how do the KNOW this stuff?” What really turned me off from this thing was the fact that I got screwed on my sign. Most of my friends are Leo the Lion or Cancer the giant crab or Sagittarius the weird…goat/fish, genetic experiment gone wrong, mutation…thing. You know, something cool! You know what I am folks? I’m a Libra…I’m a set of freaking scales! September seems to be the month for losers, cause in it you have Libra the scales, and Virgo the virgin…the two people who probably aren’t getting laid anytime soon.

Music

As you all could’ve guessed…I’m a music geek, I currently own 300+ CD’s, I currently have around 60 Gigabytes of Mp3’s on my computers…I know what I’m talking about, this is my area to shine. So to enlighten you potential songwriters spending your time reading some weird rant on the Internet, this is your lucky day. I have compiled a checklist of signs that show that your future hit song…really, really sucks.

1. If your song is “Untitled.” Seriously…you’ve spent the past few months making sure the guitars and keyboards and bagpipes sound great, your lyrics say everything you want to, yet you can’t sit down for a few hours tops to think of a title for it, that’s just lazy.

2. If your song is a cover song. Don’t get me wrong, I do actually hear a lot of good covers out there, my current band performs covers. But to have your first (and possibly only) hit be your version of SOMEONE ELSE’S song…you’re not going to get very far.

3. If you are already famous as an actor/actress. It’s bad enough I have to put up with listening to Britney Spears and Christina at work…but adding Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff in the mix I feel like bashing my head in with a frying pan.

4. If you are Jessica Simpson…enough said.

5. If you’re RELATED to someone famous, i.e. your sister is Jessica Simpson…or your brother is Nick Carter.

6. If your guitar part does not use more than 2 chords, minimum of 3 chords is required…It just works that way.

7. If there are 5 members in the band…and none of you play any instruments, just give up already.

8. If you’re a pop/punk band. First of all…it’s not very “punk” if you’re singing about how much you hate your life because you can’t find a date to the prom. “Mom! I learned my power chords, I can be a guitarist for a pseudo-punk band and make millions of dollars for the same chord progression over and over again”

9. If your song repeats itself…over and over again…thanks Nelly…

10. If your songs all sound alike…it’s a proven fact that if you play Nickelback’s first single “How You Remind Me” and their other single “Someday” over each other they both develop the exact same way.

11. If it introduces a new slang term into the mainstream…please spare us.

12. If it has anything revolving around, involving, and/or sounds like Rap…don’t…enough already…my reasons are far to lengthy to place here, so I placed my Rap rants in a separate section.

Rap Music

So I’m working one day…putting beans on a plate, when suddenly on the radio that Outcast song “Hey Ya” (what a cool title) came on. I really hate this song, and this co-worker of mine is dancing and singing along with it, telling me “Come on Jeff, sing along.” And I say, “No I hate rap.” It seemed as if everyone froze within earshot…like I’d committed some act of blasphemy or something. This guy says to me, “How can you hate rap? You’re un-American if you hate rap.” Now that statement got me thinking. If in order for someone to be American they must like rap…then what were we before rap was invented? Were we living a lie for the past two centuries? Did Ben Franklin go up to some British guy after the revolution was over and said to him “Yes I’m an American now.” I bet you the British guy said “No I am sorry, but you’ve not completely freed yourselves. In order for you to be full Americans, you must enjoy a form of music using only a percussion instrument and a double bass that requires the electricity you’ve just discovered Mr. Franklin. No, no my good man you are all just…posers.” This MUST be the reason why people considered rock n’ roll to be the devil’s music when if first came out, be cause it wasn’t helping us win the war damn it! Folks the history books are WRONG! The big bicentennial thing that happened in the 70’s never happened. The U.S. is only in it’s twenties; it’s barely old enough to drink! The American flag is really a gang symbol, and I’m sorry to say but out founding fathers are LL Cool J, 2 Pac, Coolio, and 2 Live Crew…represent.”

Why Rap Music Sucks:

1. Minimal talent it takes to “Master.” Let me sum up what it takes to make a rap song. First, you write a really tasteless poem about how cool you are, how pimpin you are, how ghetto you are, and all that other crap that no one cares about. Second, buy a drum machine so you’ve got the same beat repeating into our poor skulls over and over again. Third, get a hold of some big shot rapper who’s already made it and use him for leverage into stardom by featuring him in your song.

2. It’s not really music. Rap is talking in tempo over a drumbeat; anyone can do that…the tone deaf can do that. It takes more talent to actually sing, be on pitch, AND on tempo than to just…be on tempo…talking. And don’t give me that crap about them being able to rap really fast…Oh my gosh…that’s amazing. But I know tons of people who can talk fast and they’re not rich and famous. Let’s see them SING that fast. Plus, I can think of something faster, yeah it’s called a “guitar-solo.” Let’s see them do that.

3. Always have to have someone else involved. All hit rap songs are never done by the rapper himself, he always has to have someone else there backing him up, or the 5 other guys who stand behind him on stage, all holding microphones, and the only thing they do is “YEAH!” or “Uh…” HOW IS THIS COOL?!?!

4. The videos. A rap video must have 4 elements…Skanky girls dirty dancing, lots of alcohol, a lot of cars, and bling…no jewelry…it’s called JEWELLRY DAMN IT!!! It’s like one of these rap stars just buys a necklace and says “hey, this is pretty spiffy…I wanna show everyone…I know I’ll write another song, nah that’s too much work I’ll just change some words around in the song I changed around back in August when I got that new ring”

5. They can never be original. It’s bad enough that rap music is so simple to compose, but the fact that rappers feel they should RUIN perfectly good rock songs by ripping from REAL musicians because they can’t be original and rap over that as well…I can no longer listen to Sting or Led Zeppelin without thinking about P-Sh*tty…I hate you Puffy…

6. Lyrical Genius? The chorus is the most important part of the song. However rappers feel that the chorus should be used to say something important like “Hey Ya” or “UHHHH Na, Na, Na, Na…” Or better yet, say their name multiple times like you’re going to forget. I know your name…I saw it on the cover as I was burning your CD…in my fireplace…

Death

This is a rather touchy subject for most people…this is why I MUST talk about it!!!

…I wish you could pick how you could die…people should at least go out the way they want to. If I could pick my normal death…I want to die suffocating on my girl friend’s hair. It’s my major fetish; hair is…not death. Amanda’s hair is really long, really soft, and really silky. It’s how I first noticed her…and she drives me crazy with it. I want to just pass away with her hair on my face, not letting me breathe…or going all “reverse tape-worm” on me and sliding down my throat…either way works.

Now if I could chose my death if I were a rock star…that would be more of a spectacle. It’s go out with a bang, in a blaze of glory, and no not in a plane crash…something bigger. I’d be PERFORMING when I die…yeah that’s right you heard me…dying on stage in front of millions of screaming fans…like at the Super Bowl or some other concert that was being broadcast. I’d be in the middle of this climatic, rock star scream with my head tilted back, free hand in the air…and my heart would EXSPLODE from my chest in a bloody mess spraying the first 3 rows or so…now THAT would be a way to go.